something to be thankful for (orig on myspace blog)
Friday, June 27, 2008
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all because of you honey
for those of you who may not know, i have been battling depression for a very long time, since about the time that my parents started splitting. and it slowly got worse over the years. i hit my all time low a few years back and have the scars to remind me. i stopped trying to mutilate myself, but i still battled the pain. it got worse again last year, and i took up smoking, then got extremely sick. i’m not proud of it. but i quit, and i went back to hiding it. then David asked me out. i liked him, but hadn’t realized i had fallen in love with him at ome point in the few months leading up to it. we’ve had our fights but everything has been good. i’ve been scads happier, but i’ve had my really low moments, where even though i have this amazing man who loves me just because i’m me, i haven’t felt like i deserved the gift of life let alone this guy. this last week i was on a camping trip with a bunch of friends, but i’ve been having tooth related jaw pain, so i had been popping those pain killers to keep me congenial to my best friends. unfortunately i took to much. so the last night of camping i ended up sitting in the dirt in the dark trying to throw up in the fire pit we weren’t using. the first person who came that way was Annastasia going to her tent for something. she gave me some crackers and water to settle my stomach then took me back to the group so i wouldn’t be alone. i had to tell david what was going on. so when we got to the tent i spilled all the details of what was going on. including the fact that in all the stories i have ever read say that when you start to feel the pain from painkiller overdose, its too late. and for the first time since second grade, i realized that i truly didn’t want to die, and this man next to me, holding me in my fear not letting me see his, is the reason that i want to live. if for some reason things between he and i don’t work out, i will take that away. he made me see the world for its beauty again. I DON’T WANT TO DIE, and i owe it all to you honey. how do you repay something like that? he gave me my life back. all i can do is love him as completely and as fully as i do, and hope that i somehow have helped him in some similar way. i need him in my life, because i love him, and that will never change |
thankfulsomeday i will explain about my wonderful boyfriend, but today is not the day
Addicted to You…
It’s true,
I’m addicted to you.
How it happened i’m not sure,
I think its your brand of humour;
It’s a little left of center (kind of like us).
I’ve learned to trust
The you that nobody sees,
Even though they say you’re only interested in th’ birds and bees.
At first glace you’re a little creepy
But when i looked again, i saw your timidity.
And so it happened through continued conversation
And happenstance association
I becam addicted to you
And perhaps you’re addicted too,
But i don’t think i have the courage to ask…
December 12, 2007
Storming
Rain,
pouring behind my eyes,
dammed up behind walls-impregnable-
aching to the depths of my soul
a wanting-
for something dep and true,
For that look once again
for what i know was there.
Thunder,
explosions in my headd,
walled in and locked,
emotions erratic but explainable-
reasonable with no reason
all trapped and suffocated-
from hope,
from wanting,
from my inability,
from something that was there.
A storm rages in my heart-
my soul,
the rain beckons the thunder,
just want to let it go,
but i fear the emptiness freedom brings,
its just a storm,
it will pass,
too early-
or perhaps too late,
it’s just a storm-
that tears apart everything in me,
Its just a storm…
November 29, 2006
Slave’s Song
Unable to write,
so i sing,
no words, just sounds,
my heart ripped from me
what word can express?
I’m bound to the earth,
without Their knowledge,
I’m bound to the pigs,
all i can do is sing,
no words, just noises,
the joy once felt,
the anguish i now feel,
the anger built up inside,
but i must bide my time,
and sing
For Freedom,
for my little ones sold
for my Soul,
But no words,
only sounds.
November 29, 2006
when (blank) takes wing
when thoughts take wing,
some thing magical occurs
a glimpse of possibilities,
a hope is born,
new opportunites arrise,
when hearts take wing,
something magical occurs,
a sigh of souls
the rush of exhilerating newness
a warmth of love is born
when i take wing
something magical will occur
something aw inspiring,
something just as exhilerating
something new.
july 27, 08
For the last time, i’m here
for the last time, i’m here at my father’s house. i’m leaving here tomorrow, for the last time, and i’m happy, nay, estatic about it, i can never be myself here. to do so would require my dad to adopt a whole new line of thinking, and i can’t require that of him. so i’ll have to continue acting around him… at least till i get into college, then i can pretend that college changed me, and be myself. i geuss that would still be pretending in some way, but it’d be a little better…not by much though….
my dad took me to see an old family friend today, and it was awesome. Brandon (the old friend) used to watch nascar and soccer with me when i went down to see my dad, when my dad still lived with him that is. i didn’t like nascar, but he would switch back and forth for me because he felt bad for me. my dad was always either asleep, or in the bathroom with stomache problems because he didn’t eat right. Brandon was my surrogate dad. i wish sometimes that he had been able to see more things go down in my life, especailly my graduation, even though it was raining. he was almost my uncle once, but my aunt mistreated him something feirce. he gave her unconditional love for years, even after they got divorced (or she called it off, i’m not sure which it was), but she just couldn’t handle it i geuss. the point is, he loved me, still does as a child of his own. i miss him being around.
Time To Fly
Time to fly again
time to try
time to see what’s real
time to say the words locked inside.
time to love again
time to trust
time to live honestly
time to live joyously
time to become whole
time to clean the shards of a heart once broken.
time to dry old tears
time to cry new ones
time to make peace
time to fight for myself
time to fly
time to stay grounded
time to give into both sides of yin and yang
time to forgive
time to remember; never forget
time to heal
time to accept help
time to help myself
time to fly, one last time
time to fly
october 3, 2006
this is definately something i should keep in mind on my up and coming journey….
Carpe Deim
Your day is what you make it
put a smile on your face
even if your heart gets broken
or someone you love dies
the day is yours to create
so put a smile on your face
and reach to the sky
we’re all worth the world
and a smile
September 16, 2006
the thing about this poem is, that its basically my motto for life. i even have Carpe Deim tattooed on my thigh. we should all live each day to its fullest, and throw a smile to everyone we meet. you never know how much a person needs a smile.
Written For You
I will write for you
Your soul
Your salvation
just tell me what you need to hear
and i will write it down
give it to you
and hope it helps
my pen is my tool
for helping my friends in need.
i will write for you
if you want me to
if you need another to tell our story
my pen is here
for your eyes alone
for your soul alone.
i will write for you, if you need it
to lift you from your dark place
to help you see the truth
to bring you back to reality.
I will write for you
i love you
whoever you are
because i need you
to read
so i will write for you
and myself
but i will write for you
so you can see the sky.
October 20, 2005
a little more about me
where did i leave off… oh yes middle school
middle school was horrible for me, but then i don’t know anyone who didn’t have a horrible time then…. its all just shades of grey. i was pretty angsty….. and shy. the 2 don’t go well together…. you know, i don’t really want to talk about middle school, that and freshmen year, can they just be blips on the radar? all you need to know is that i had a boyfriend for four years and we broke up because i wasn’t ready to have sex….there that’s all you need to know to be updated to sophmore year in highschool… maybe one day i will feel like reminiscing upon those four years but as of now i really don’t want to…. in fact i just feel like blatherring on about nothing
i wonder about how all of my friends will do in the real world. they worry me. not very many of them know how it is out there, my mom… well she was a wreck fter the divorce, so i took over a lot of the regular duties of a mom. i ended up raising both my mom and my older sister in a lot of ways. so i know a little bit more of what its like out there. i don’t pretend to know exactly how it works, or what it will be like, but i have a better idea than most……
