Psychdreamer, life of a dork

all because of you honey
Current mood: thankful
Category: Life

for those of you who may not know, i have been battling depression for a very long time, since about the time that my parents started splitting. and it slowly got worse over the years. i hit my all time low a few years back and have the scars to remind me. i stopped trying to mutilate myself, but i still battled the pain. it got worse again last year, and i took up smoking, then got extremely sick. i’m not proud of it. but i quit, and i went back to hiding it.
last November i found another reason for my depression, and it was devastating, but knowing this other cause helped me a little bit. still felt like i would never enjoy life, still felt like i didn’t deserve love, but it helped.

then David asked me out. i liked him, but hadn’t realized i had fallen in love with him at ome point in the few months leading up to it. we’ve had our fights but everything has been good. i’ve been scads happier, but i’ve had my really low moments, where even though i have this amazing man who loves me just because i’m me, i haven’t felt like i deserved the gift of life let alone this guy.

this last week i was on a camping trip with a bunch of friends, but i’ve been having tooth related jaw pain, so i had been popping those pain killers to keep me congenial to my best friends. unfortunately i took to much. so the last night of camping i ended up sitting in the dirt in the dark trying to throw up in the fire pit we weren’t using. the first person who came that way was Annastasia going to her tent for something. she gave me some crackers and water to settle my stomach then took me back to the group so i wouldn’t be alone. i had to tell david what was going on. so when we got to the tent i spilled all the details of what was going on. including the fact that in all the stories i have ever read say that when you start to feel the pain from painkiller overdose, its too late. and for the first time since second grade, i realized that i truly didn’t  want to die, and this man next to me, holding me in my fear not letting me see his, is the reason that i want to live.

if for some reason things between he and i don’t work out, i will take that away. he made me see the world for its beauty again. I DON’T WANT TO DIE, and i owe it all to you honey.

how do you repay something like that? he gave me my life back.  all i can do is love him as completely and as fully as i do, and hope that i somehow have helped him in some similar way. i need  him in my life, because i love him, and that will never change