i set myself up for emotional pain
i’ve decided that i like to hurt myself emotionally, where i could easily avoid it.
i was talking to my boyfriends and happenned to mention our new year’s eve get together over myspace. he told me just to reread the messages we had sent back and forth. when i told him that from a friends prompting i had deleted our messages (the friend said that if i kept them i would seem klingy) he gave me his log-in information so i could read them, but he told me not to go too far back because he sill had messages from between him and one of his ex’s, well two of his ex’s. so i got all indignant that i wasn’t a snoop. well i start searching from the front back, but it was taking too long, so i start searching from the back…. not a particularily good idea. i am a particularily curious person, so as i am passing weeks of email betweeen him and his ex’s i realize that that’s all his inbox is. so i open one random one, it breaks my heart because its one of them being extremely cruel to him. i tell myself “stop, don’t do that, you said you wouldn’t snoop, so stop.” so i keep going on my quest to find the winterbreak messages that got us together. and i pass more weeks upon weeks of messages between him and his exes. the page takes a long time to switch…. and i’m staring at an interesting looking message…. fucking curiostiy gets me again, so i open it. and its a gooshy one. i think it botherred me because he hung on to it… but its my own damn fault for openning it. bah. it hurt thats all. the ones that hurt him hurt me, the ones that prob have good memories hurt me. i think i’m just a little too vunerable when it comes to him. damn for being in love. too vunerable. i don’t believe in that nonsense: “boys aren’t worth crying over, and the one who is won’t make you cry” thats pretty much bullshit. my guy is worth crying over, and i have cryed because of him, for him, and over him, so my motto is, we are human, we will hurt eachother. and in this lovely story, hurt ourselves. i’m kind of an idiot.
