sometimes…
i hate the way i am…. i still technically have depression, it doesn’t just go away. i’ve gotten better, but i will never be cured. today is one of my bad days. i don’t want to be a part of the human race, and i just want to curl up for days and see if anyone notices that i’m missing and not returning calls. i know people here in the dorms will notice, cause i’v apparantly been the funny one in the group…. and i know my loved ones who contact me on a regular basis would notice…. but sometimes…. i just feel like they wouldn’t, or shouldn’t…. i know you all love me (my friends and family who read this, not you complete strangers…i’m not that crazy) and care about me… but idk…. this is jsut one of those really bad days for me…. when “even smiling makes my face ache” (Rocky horror if you know it)… i can still crack jokes from the bottom of this oozing pit of slime, shame, fear, and darkness. but i do it to see other people truly laughing so i know that i am not normal, so i know i need to try and be that with them….. sometimes it makes me feel alienated, but yea…. i’m not feeling so hot right now……this is when i escape into my books to wait out the feeling of dread, the feeling of not being normal, this sad and lonely feeling….. i desperately need a hug right now….
carpe deim for me would you?
Xandra said,
September 4, 2008 at 11:50 pm
*HUG* UBOO MY LOVERLY! i wish i could be down there with u right now. soon, i promise!
projectaudeo said,
September 5, 2008 at 1:04 am
Ah my dear dear sister…don’t crawl uder rocks there are icky bugs under there! Be yourself…the people around you will love you for you…show your true colours! Your aura is magnetic in every good way…no one can resist. If you must escape…escape outside on a walk…explore your surrounding…find a shady tree and draw under it…take your zune with you crerate a happy playlist…all the songs that make you smile and play it when you feel down.
I am sorry I haven’t checked in on you…but I am glad that you have been emailing me…I like to know you are out there LIVING!!!!!! I have bad days too…when I feel that a nice dark room, blankets over my head and quiet seem the best…but what has to be done is the jitter boogie! its just like it sounds…but mentally force your mind to dance and see the hidden rainbows…(geez that sounds cheesy, but it works- honest!)
Luvs and Hugs from the AZ!!
Jeff Mayhem said,
September 5, 2008 at 4:48 am
*HUG*
Rixqed said,
September 6, 2008 at 10:52 am
You know, the best thing about the world is that there’s always at least one person in the world that’s gonna know what you’re going through. I remember back in the 1600’s the latest thing everyone had to worry about was rotten fruit and whether those damned ninjas would come back to ransack the village… Crazy bastards.
Aside from old man tales, stuff really hits the fan these days. One thing I liked about the schools I went in pville was that I was always meeting people who weren’t shallow and ignorant mofo’s. The people you meet in life truly are a great virtue, because there’s always at least one who sticks through with you to hell and back. I can vouch for that, I’ve been lucky enough to meet a couple of those kinda people.
This is chirpy optimism but, never hate yourself. If you feel sad, then embrace it. I’m not saying to just stay sad forever and live “happily” with it, but… In a sense, immersing yourself with all the emotions you feel will make you more the wiser. It’s like any old cliche would say: emotions make you human.
Normal is complete overration anyways. Be you.
Now, instead of singing a certain dr. pepper song, i’m going to simply offer a hug for your troubles.