a look back
i’m thinking back to an earlier post i had on here, about the last time i thought i would ever go to my dad’s. and then the post i did after that about 6 months later concerning the same thing… i think that i was still very begrudging my dad and his lack of attempts to be in my life. now though, i am ashamed that i never wanted to spend time with him, i geuss i’m over myextreme anger. it took me long enough. my dad loves me, and has tried his best over recent years. there was a time in my life that he wasn’t there, but i’m moving past that and now letting him be a part of my life, i’m even trying to get in the habit of emailing him once a week, and call once a month. that in itself is really hard for me, i don’t initiate conversation with other very well. My boyfriend has been really helping with my anger problems, little does he know, he thinks that i never get angry, its sweet, but sooo not true. i’m growing up, i used to think that i was such an old soul, and that i was way too old for my body, but i think that i was right were i should have been, my only means of comparing mental age was with my mother really and truly. i geuss thats kind of an insult to my mum, but she really isn’t that old mentally, i love her dearly, but i’m realizing more and more that i raised her, and i was just a kid. there’s a lot more to it, but going through course focused on adolescence makes me realize that i was a typical teen, and my time of storm and stress was made a tiny bit worse due to a lack of stability. i’m getting it now that i’m out of the house, my boyfriend’s family has taken me in and given me so much that adds to it. my boyfriend’s drother is one of the most awesome people i’ve ever met, and he lets me talk to him about anything, and depending on subject matter, throws a pencil at me. my boyfriends parents are parents, they are each very giving and loving in their own ways, and my boyfriend is so much the partner that i could never have wished for he’s so wonderful. he lets me lean on him, and i believe that he takes every advantage to lean on me when he needs it. it feels weird to me to have someone i can lean on for everything no matter how inconsiquential it proves to be. i wish i had, had more of that when i was younger, i feel less prepared for the world and i’m not sure if i can do it all, i’m going to try, but there is no guaruntee that i’ll make it. pressure… fear… i am still an adolescent, it lasts until 24, did you know that?
i feel quite bad for saying things like this about my family, but then, whose family is not a little messed up? we all have our problems.
