i’m thinking back to an earlier post i had on here, about the last time i thought i would ever go to my dad’s. and then the post i did after that about 6 months later concerning the same thing… i think that i was still very begrudging my dad and his lack of attempts to be in my life.  now though, i am ashamed that i never wanted to spend time with him, i geuss i’m over myextreme anger. it took me long enough. my dad loves me, and has tried his best over recent years. there was a time in my life that he wasn’t there, but i’m moving past that and now letting him be a part of my life, i’m even trying to get in the habit of emailing him once a week, and call once a month. that in itself is really hard for me, i don’t initiate conversation with other very well. My boyfriend has been really helping  with my anger problems, little does he know, he thinks that i never get angry, its sweet, but sooo not true.  i’m growing up, i used to think that i was such an old soul, and that i was way too old for my body, but i think that i was right were i should have been, my only means of comparing mental age was with my mother really and truly.  i geuss thats kind of an insult to my mum, but she really isn’t that old mentally, i love her dearly, but i’m realizing more and more that i raised her, and i was just a kid.  there’s a lot more to it, but going through course focused on adolescence makes me realize that i was a typical teen, and my time of storm and stress was made a tiny bit worse due to a lack of stability.  i’m getting it now that i’m out of the house, my boyfriend’s family has taken me in and given me so much that adds to it. my boyfriend’s drother is one of the most awesome people i’ve ever met, and he lets me talk to him about anything, and depending on subject matter, throws a pencil at me. my boyfriends parents are parents, they are each very giving and loving in their own ways, and my boyfriend is so much the partner that i could never have wished for he’s so wonderful. he lets me lean on him, and i believe that he takes every advantage to lean on me when he needs it.  it feels weird to me to have someone i can lean on for everything no matter how inconsiquential it proves to be. i wish i had, had more of that when i was younger, i feel less prepared for the world and i’m not sure if i can do it all, i’m going to try, but there is no guaruntee that i’ll make it. pressure… fear… i am still an adolescent, it lasts until 24, did you know that?

i feel quite bad for saying things like this about my family, but then, whose family is not a little messed up? we all have our problems.

Here’s the weird one… wrote it after reading T.S. Elliot….

Peace be with you gentle child,
death will come swiftly to those who pray
your soul is claimed,
your path is written,
your choices are predetermined,
you need not think hard about life.

Peace be with you, gentle child,
death will come swiftly to those who pray
you won’t know suffering
you’ll know the date you die,
others will suffer each day wondering when…

Peace be with you, gentle lamb
Death will come swiftly to those who follow
let me guide you down the hill into darkness
waiting  jaws won’t miss the unfaithful
but you don’t have to witness their horror
they clamp down noisily on those around you

Peace be with you gentle lamb,
death will come swiftly to those who follow BLIND.

that i think you can tell is a satire on christian beliefs, but i harbour no ill will towards christians, nor am
i one who would normally write much less think something as brutal as this.. but there it is. i was envisioning a post-apocolyptic world, and what my brother-in-law always told me would be the path of true believers in that kind of world. he told me that they would all ascend towards heaven before/or during the apocolypse, and to me that means their dead. i probably misinterpretted, but oh well. this on top of T.S Elliot and his blatant showing that there is no God in the world around us, contary to previous beliefs…  so yea…

later in the same day i drew a picture of an amputee in a chair, his legs and one arm missing, the other recently cut off by a circular saw powerred by a tree growing. the amputee’s chair is in a bucket of water on a board with castors on a block at sea. there is a shark circling below. but the most disturbing part of this i think is the mask that the guy wears: an evil enjoying smile, tied upon his shaved head. what does this mean? i have no idea, but the girl next to me was sure freaked out.

next poem… happier note…

droplets rise,
ravished by heat and wind,
coalesce,
pushed forward,
spinning, spiraling, creating friiction,
bright flashes,
loud clashes,
droplets fall
buffetted and bruised by wind and ground,
swish down hill,
power found
moving rocks, falling trees, tearing the land,
slowing down,
becoming part of the land’s shape,
giving life.
changing flavours,
joining the tumult
crashing upon the sand in joy,
breaking ships in anguish,
droplets rise
ravished by heat and wind.

did you geuss what it was?

its the water cycle… lol…

im out for the night

Carpe Diem

and it was so freaking entertaining that i figured why not post it? parts of it are jokes, parts of it are serious, partof it are just plain weird… so its a lot like me. go figure.

I want to watch pirates of the Caribbean now, the whole series….

The whole woman writing on the prow of the boat thing… it made me think about when Elizabeth stows away on the boat… did Davey Jones turn into a regular man again or did he die… I can’t remember now

Innocent voice… she sounds like a child, she’s probably very innocent, she seems that way. She knows literature but even considering what she may have read, she’s an innocent

A joining – sexual. In” joining” do we become part of something bigger? Is that feeling just the joy caused by a release of endorphins caused by climax? Consensual=joining=part of something   forced=diminutive=alienation both are technically sex, but only one is a “joining” sex cannot be a blanketing term

Female purity is seen as male property. My purity is just that, MINE. Is it a state of mind, body, soul, or something else? Maybe it’s all of these as seen by the person in question

A friend of mine told me once that he looked at Lancelot as his idol, and wanted to recreate Lancelot’s character within himself. I wonder if he ever realized how vapid his idol was… last thing I knew, he met his best friend’s girlfriend, and her name was Gwen or something.

I want to slide naked down banisters too! It sounds like fun, and vaguely painful.

Everything today involves sex… not good. Must keep dirty thoughts at bay until after work, little kids and words like Penis just do not mix… “Penises are people too!”

“Girls, nubile, teenage, living alone in the countryside, wild and free… its erotic…” thank you Suki….. “She’s so sexually repressed that she wrote this poem […] it’s sexy” another Suki moment

Female desire, what about male desire? It destroys too

Incest, rape, sounds like the bible

“Eve tempted Adam, poor Adam he cannot help but rape 2 girls in the woods” –Suki

Goblins =bad boys

Foreign fruit = sex with foreign bad boys

i realize that that last part had a lot of Suki-isms but, she says some of the most amazing things…. apparently she’s taking a class that focusses on freud this semester, which might account for a lot of her weird sayings…..

anyways, enjoy the above

Carpe Diem

I’m a little tired of life. I’m tired of stressing out about everything, I’m tired of trying so hard, but I’ve barely started, i know I’ve barely started. i don’t know if i can handle a life full of worrying about bills, that’s why i wanted to make sure i would be doing something i loved and get paid a lot to do it, i know that sounds selfish, but i grew up in a working class family and know what it looks like to have nothing. in my anthropology class we’re reading an ethnographie about the working class, I’ve been reading it and thinking, “holy crap! i know exactly what they’re talking about… that’s my life written down”  a little bit of the book is out dated because this was written in the 70’s but, holy shit… i always thought that i was middle class, not so, i am from a working class. the working poor…. i feel so out of place at my school, we’re studying this because they believe that Mills Women should have a look at the less privileged classes, and i just have to say that yea we weren’t privileged, but at least we know the value of a fucking dollar!

i went back to my home town and stayed with my boyfriends parents for a few days (i was reading the ethnograpie up there, so it made things a little worse) and i seriously ended up crying the first night i was there because of their hospitality, and how they just take me in at a moments notice. they think it’s amazing when i clean up after myself (they raised 2 boys) and i think its amazing that they took me into their hearts so fast.. i wish i could do more. my boyfriend really doesn’t recognize how lucky he is sometimes, mostly he bitches that he doesn’t get along with his family or that he didn’t have enough anything while growing up… i wish he had seen how i grew up. i never felt deprived, but then, i knew exactly how hard my family had to work to keep afloat, i couldn’t want anything that would bring disappointment…. David, well he was given pretty much everything he asked for, maybe not the highest quality, but he got it, and yet he still felt wanting….he felt unloved… but that is so not the case. his family loves each other a lot, i can see it plain as day, but i guess it takes an outsider…

being in my hometown brings back a flood of memories, but not many that my mind dwell on when I’m actually there are all that great. P*ville gives me a lot of bad memories and i just can’t stay there for more than a few days with out getting depressed, even if i spend my time with those who love me, i can’t stay there… too much was lost of me there… i may be in the ghetto here, but at least i haven’t lost anything. i guess i should clarify what i mean by “things lost” things is innocence, i think you can get the rest from there… right now i HAVE to listen to the music  that i lost myself in when i lived up there so i can escape from the memories… on the 2 hour drive back down today i had my music up on full blast and let myself disappear into it, screaming at the top of my lungs so i could finally breathe easy. nobody really realizes how tight my chest gets, how withdrawn from the world i get when i head up there, i try to disappear into myself. i miss the beauty of the landscape, but unfortunately the beauty of the area is marred by the black shapes that haunt my memories. yes of course i have good memories there… but recent years have proven to me how much of those wonderful memories have been coloured by the shadows of my past, and as depressing as that is i have to live with the fact that everything i do now is going to be coloured by the few incidents that made me the way i am. people who haven’t lived through the experiences i have cannot comprehend what I’m saying…i  can only give examples of good things to try and help you see the bleakness of the feelings. i am trying to become my own person and forget the bad things of the past so i can move on, but unfortunately hat means i have to leave behind many of my friends who cannot grow with me, or accept the ways in which I’ve grown. I’m like a tree growing over barbed wire, I’m covering the scar and the barbs until they become a part of me, and then nothing…it will disappear from all sight and it will truly be a part of the person that is SYDNEY, but not resented because the sore has healed and i can accept it. for now though, the wound is still fresh because someone moved the barbed wire to get a better look at the damage. these are thing i wish my friends could understand, hell these are things i wish my boyfriend could understand, but again, you only know it if you’ve lived through it. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~Later~~~~~~~

i just picked up one of the girls in my dorm from the airport, as i was driving around the .8 mile loop again and again waiting for baggage claim to get her her luggage, i watched the people coming and going. i watched mothers hug their daughters goodbye, i watched elderly sisters kiss eachother good bye (for the last time?) i watched young couples be reunited, college kids returning from spring break, i watched kids wait for their father, one, two  three laps later i finally see him pick them up with a very young blonde wife, the kids look horrified… i watched friends, lovers, siblings, coworkers say hello and goodbye, i watched little peices of their stories and wonderred, what would they seeof my life, would they see a college kid picking up another college kid, a young woman picking up some friend or sister, or would they just not pay attention to the nondescript honda that accidently parked in the handicap zone to pick up a girl at baggage claim.

more to come…..

but there are a lot of pros and cons to weigh out….

Pros of going to AZ

1. see mum, sister, neices, bros-in law, tammy and cat
2. get off campus
3. see all of fam, not just part like i will in august
4. destress to see family i miss so much
5. there for a whole 5 days
6. no institutionalized food
7. i get to see kittens
8. great conversations
9. seee luis before he gets incarecerated

cons of going to AZ

1. >10 hour drive each way
2. not very restful
3. not alot to do
4. hott!
5. away from BF
6. fatigue from driiving
7. there for only 5 days
8. will get 500 if don’t go down

can somebody give me input!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

An idea that particularly caught my musing attention is this peice from Alexander Pope’s an Essay on Man about the maze in which we live:

 “Let us (since life can little more supply

That just to look about us and die)

Expatiate free o’er all this scene of man;

A mighty maze! But not without a plan;

A wild where weeds and flowers promiscuous shoot,

Or garden, tempting with forbidden fruit.” (Alexander Pope lines 3-8)

This idea that we cannot see the maze, but someone watching over us can is amazing. This basically implies that we have free will, but every outcome is already planned, but it is up to you to decide which path to turn down. Somewhat like a test of your strength and willingness to try new things in hope of finding the path that suits you best but is also good. This higher being can watch all the possibilities and the true action that is happening, but cannot force an individual down their path. By this same token, there is an easy path, and a harder path. The easy path is direct, and there are 2 ways to go about this: you have a good life, but do not experience anything, or you can go down a quick and dirty path that leads you to death. Either way, you don’t have many experiences and you die; the end.  Then there are the multitude of other paths you can take that have good, bad, chances to turn back, and chances to turn down the easy road in exchange for life experiences. But the choice is always yours to make. Do I turn down this road, or take the next one? Do I marry this guy, or do I wait for something better? The choices and cross roads in our life are endless. 

learn to make your decisions, and know, that there is always a way you can back track and start over.

i see that no one has been writing much… i haven’t had any occasion to write reccently, but i thought i’d say something to fill in the electronic silence….but seeiong as i forgot what i was going to write, this is just a random ice breaker…..

what is life? how do you define it? something that is living? breathing? if that is the case then there are many humans who are not alive, yet they are breathing and walikng and talking

go LIVE people.

perhaps. i randomly noticed a pattern in my depression…. once a month. then i start my period and things get better again… then a few weeks down the road i feel as if somebody closed a door on me and left me cahined in the dark with an unseen menace, then i have my period again. of course PMDD can’t be the only thing because i can recall times in my life when its ot just my period affecting me, i have had some horrible shit happen to me… besides what is depression but a hormonal imbalance, and PMDD is also a hormonal imbalance…

 don’t wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don’t wanna be that call at four o’clock in the morning
‘Cause I’m the only one you know in the world that won’t be home

Aahh, the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That’s not the way I want my story to end
[Sober Lyrics On http://www.elyricsworld.com/ ]
I’m safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party’s over?
No pain
Inside
You’re my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don’t wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence…
The quiet scares me ’cause it screams the truth
Please don’t tell me that we had that conversation
When I won’t remember, save your breath, ’cause what’s the use?

Aahh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, “come and play”
Aahh, I am falling
And if I let myself go, I’m the only one to blame

I’m safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party’s over?
No pain
Inside
You’re like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I’m comin’ down
Comin’ down
Comin’ down
Spinnin’ round
Spinnin’ round
Spinnin’ round
Looking for myself.. Sober

Comin’ down
Comin’ down
Comin’ down
Spinnin’ round
Spinnin’ round
Spinnin’ round
Looking for myself.. Sober

When it’s good, then it’s good, it’s so good, ’till it goes bad
Till you’re trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry
Never again
Broken down in agony
And just trying to find a friend

I’m safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party’s over?
No pain
Inside
You’re like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I’m safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party’s over?
No pain
Inside
You’re like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

How do I feel this good sober?

                      -Pink

love this song

i’m at my dad’s once again….. man almost a year ago i was ponderring on how it was great that i’d never have to be back here, but whatever. with me mum moving to arizona i kinda had no choice, well my boyfriend’s family invited me to stay unitl i had to leave because they know i don’t like it here, but its not too bad this time, i’m mostly going to be alone this week. and i have a  car so i can hang out at the mall or something… i don’t have any money, but no matter, i can at least have fun checking out boys. my greatest comfort is a dog named coco… he’s freaking huge. he can look me in the eye on all fours… he’s a great dane. so when i mean greatest comfort i’m actually talking about size and not how much comfort is given.

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2008/12/06/dnt.pay.it.forward.kcci

hope  is still alive and well in the world, along with helpfulness. pay it forward

Carpe Diem